gloom and doom

three weeks away from work and it was all so clear. life made sense. there was a purpose. a reason. a goal.

five weeks back at work and nothing makes sense anymore. all clarity and sense of purpose and reason is gone in the daily exhaustion of mindless, numbing existence.

i know i had a reason and a justification for why this job was crushing my very soul (dramatic i know!) but i swear there was more than just the everyday whining of i dont like my job. it was all so clear when i had time to take a breath, to pause and actually think, to have time to actually feel. it seemed so obvious and right that nothing could erase the very clear notion of what i needed to do to improve my life.

and now the daily nothingness has so numbed my brain that all i know is that i want out. but dont even have the motivation to get that out, cant imagine the out. and all the reasons for wanting out are lost in the haze of memory. and all that remains is what is and why it should stay the way it is.

wow. i think i just depressed myself further. i hate winters. brings out all the gloom and doom in life.