the first choice

I never thought much about adoption before now. At the back of my mind I knew that culturally there are some negative thoughts about adoption but never realized how overtly and vehemently negative people are about adoption. And why am I thinking about this now? Why not?

I have been thinking about it and I mentioned it to a few people and boy did I get a negative reaction. I just don’t understand how a baby mad nation can be so against adoption. Bringing a baby into your family is about building a family, so it really shouldn’t matter how the baby comes to be a part of your family. In fact giving a home to an otherwise unwanted baby, or a child that would otherwise not get the level of care that you can provide should be a good thing, that is applauded by people. Apparently not.

I shouldn’t have been surprised by the negative opinions of family and friends. But I was. Stupid me. I shouldn’t have expected educated, open minded liberal people to be… well open minded about something. There have been cases of adoption in my extended family so I thought that at least my family might have an open mind about adoption. I suppose the closer something is to home, the more real it is. And something that might be alright and even applaudable by some cousins wife’s sister is not acceptable for one’s immediate family.

Adoption is seen like pregnancy (babies are great but the process is shameful and something to be hidden and not mentioned out loud in polite company.) Adoption is seen as a necessary evil in some cases. It’s the last option, something to resort to when all else fails. Meaning if you can’t have your ‘own’ child then a poor second choice is adoption – implying that only a biological child can be your own child and that an adopted child is second best. Of course I would hope that once a child is adopted a couple would grow to love it as their ‘own’ and treat it as well as they would any biological child.

I suppose that it is the above view that makes the thought of adoption as a first choice extremely unpalatable. I mean if you can have a biological child, why would want to adopt? Even if, “God Forbid”, you are forced to adopt, you need to at least hide the adoption and pretend like its your ‘own’ baby.

I can accept that for the majority of couples, having a biological baby is a valid first choice – it is something that they truly want and strive to have. So why can’t someone believe or accept that adoption may be a valid first choice for someone.

Sure I can intellectually understand the appeal of having one’s own flesh and blood. As a friend who recently had a baby mention; looking at a tiny living being that you created, and seeing parts of you and your family being reflected in this living breathing soul is simply magical. She also said that she can’t imagine loving someone else’s child, and doesn’t understand why adoption would be the first choice for someone.

Her awe and love for her baby was inspiring and a little surprising. I am so happy for her and the joy she is finding in her baby. What I was a little more that surprised about and a little bit upset about was she almost complete closed off attitude when I mentioned adoption. In most things relating to family and life in Pakistan we have similar opinions – opinions which are often contrary to popular cultural views on things. We have super liberal view on such things whether we act on them or not is a different thing. So I was shocked that her initial opinion on adoption was negative. Through further discussion she did see my point of view and hopefully agrees with me to some extent.

I know there would be many others who would not understand my point of view. My answer to all those who say they don’t understand. You don’t have to understand – you just have to accept. Just as I accept your right to determine how you live your life; and how and when you choose to build a family. Just because I may have an opinion that is different from the mainstream doesn’t mean that it’s any less important or right.

I also know that there would be many out there who will try to change my mind. To all those who tell me that I just have to experience giving birth to a baby and I’ll realize how ‘wrong’ I am not to have my ‘own’ child – my answer to you is, maybe you should go experience adoption first and perhaps there is a child out there for you to fall in love with.

I don’t know if and when I would be ready to have a child. I may even go the biological route – I don’t know yet. But I do know that if I really want a baby, it doesn’t matter if I physically reproduce, I know that whatever baby I’m blessed to have, adopted or biological, it will be mine and I will love it. And no one can tell me otherwise.