Growing up i had many dreams and hope and thoughts about what my future would be like, what i would want to do when i grew up. Things change, dreams change, hopes change. The two dreams that have stuck with me constantly as i grew up and move through adolescence and as an adult. One was to have a cat. The other was to be an artist.
I dont even remember when i started wanting a cat. I wanted a pet, my first preference was a dog, but that was an impossibility given my parents dislike of dogs, so i switched to wanting a cat. and much arguments and tantrums later we got a cat. and so the story continued. and today i have my cats and my dog.
Wanting a cat was a dream that i shared far and wide, throughout my life. but being an artist was something that i kept close to my heart. maybe it was easier to want a cat than to want to be an artist. getting a cat was something external to me. being an artist was something that had to come from within. and thats scary. but as a child nothing is scary. its later when your dreams are trampled on that its becomes scary. you lose that fearlessness and as time goes by, the dream slips away. i held onto it for as long as i could but it was so insubstantial, i couldnt hold on to it. it slipped away. and then i let it go.
as i child i anounced to the world (or at least the people standing around me) that i was going to be a world famous artist. i remember that moment so clearly. I was standing on the stairs of my school. i must have been 14. i even remember the friend who was standing next to me. we were talking about our favourite boy band., i had made a portrait of them. and i declared that one day i would be a world famous artist. there was such joy and passion and true belief in that statement. I held on to that for a long time, despite everything in the way.
Eventually it became a more realistic dream, and then just a hope. a fading one at that. a desperate hope that one clings to because thats all there is left of the once so powerful and life compelling dream. and then it just hurt to hold on to it. so i let it go. i actively choose not to pursue it anymore. part of it was just out of spite, part of it was hurt and resentment and mostly it was because it hurt too much to hold on.
I let it go. I thought i let it go. if i really had, why does it hurt when i write it. why do i in the corner of my mind still hold on to that tiny little struggling hope. why do i feel bitter and resentful towards those who accomplish their dreams. why do i feel bitter and resentful when my ideas are taken and developed into real art. because i feel that it should have been me.
Everyone has a dream in life. Maybe even two. These dreams, hopes and desires change over time. And sometimes they don't. I think the most successful and happy people in life are those that have had a dream since they were children and they actually grow up to fulfil it. How many little kids say that they want to grow up to be a pilot, or an astronaut or the president of the country (not this country obviously). others dream about being singers or actors or some other non-conformist, artistic path in life. how many of those kids actually grow up to do any of that. not many. we end up doing something that ends in working in a big corporation and just slog through our every day lives. not that i have had much experience with kids but i dont think many say that they want to grow up and work in a cell phone company or some such thing. where is the excitement and passion in that.
Letting go. Grieve the loss and move on. let go of the resentment and bitterness and move on. Remember the good times and let go of the hurt. It's easier to bury it all away, but its hard to let go. Its hard to let go when you know the love and passion are there. Its just to many obstacles in the way. And i guess its harder to let go of a life long dream when you are letting go of so much else, and there is nothing really to fill that void.
But just as hard as it is to let go, I can't even imagine believing again. I peek into the corner of my mind where that little hope hides and it shudders with the thought of bringing it out to the light. There is just to much to overcome to do anything about it. So gotta let it go. Let go and breathe. Accept. Move on.
I dont even remember when i started wanting a cat. I wanted a pet, my first preference was a dog, but that was an impossibility given my parents dislike of dogs, so i switched to wanting a cat. and much arguments and tantrums later we got a cat. and so the story continued. and today i have my cats and my dog.
Wanting a cat was a dream that i shared far and wide, throughout my life. but being an artist was something that i kept close to my heart. maybe it was easier to want a cat than to want to be an artist. getting a cat was something external to me. being an artist was something that had to come from within. and thats scary. but as a child nothing is scary. its later when your dreams are trampled on that its becomes scary. you lose that fearlessness and as time goes by, the dream slips away. i held onto it for as long as i could but it was so insubstantial, i couldnt hold on to it. it slipped away. and then i let it go.
as i child i anounced to the world (or at least the people standing around me) that i was going to be a world famous artist. i remember that moment so clearly. I was standing on the stairs of my school. i must have been 14. i even remember the friend who was standing next to me. we were talking about our favourite boy band., i had made a portrait of them. and i declared that one day i would be a world famous artist. there was such joy and passion and true belief in that statement. I held on to that for a long time, despite everything in the way.
Eventually it became a more realistic dream, and then just a hope. a fading one at that. a desperate hope that one clings to because thats all there is left of the once so powerful and life compelling dream. and then it just hurt to hold on to it. so i let it go. i actively choose not to pursue it anymore. part of it was just out of spite, part of it was hurt and resentment and mostly it was because it hurt too much to hold on.
I let it go. I thought i let it go. if i really had, why does it hurt when i write it. why do i in the corner of my mind still hold on to that tiny little struggling hope. why do i feel bitter and resentful towards those who accomplish their dreams. why do i feel bitter and resentful when my ideas are taken and developed into real art. because i feel that it should have been me.
Everyone has a dream in life. Maybe even two. These dreams, hopes and desires change over time. And sometimes they don't. I think the most successful and happy people in life are those that have had a dream since they were children and they actually grow up to fulfil it. How many little kids say that they want to grow up to be a pilot, or an astronaut or the president of the country (not this country obviously). others dream about being singers or actors or some other non-conformist, artistic path in life. how many of those kids actually grow up to do any of that. not many. we end up doing something that ends in working in a big corporation and just slog through our every day lives. not that i have had much experience with kids but i dont think many say that they want to grow up and work in a cell phone company or some such thing. where is the excitement and passion in that.
Letting go. Grieve the loss and move on. let go of the resentment and bitterness and move on. Remember the good times and let go of the hurt. It's easier to bury it all away, but its hard to let go. Its hard to let go when you know the love and passion are there. Its just to many obstacles in the way. And i guess its harder to let go of a life long dream when you are letting go of so much else, and there is nothing really to fill that void.
But just as hard as it is to let go, I can't even imagine believing again. I peek into the corner of my mind where that little hope hides and it shudders with the thought of bringing it out to the light. There is just to much to overcome to do anything about it. So gotta let it go. Let go and breathe. Accept. Move on.
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