jealousy

i never thought i was a jealous person. a common form of jealousy is feeling suspicious about your partners affection / fidelity etc. i'm not that kind of jealous. another common form of jealousy is wanting something that someone else has so much taht you wish you had it instead of them or wishing someone ill because they have what you want. i'm not that kind of jealous.

When i see certain people succeed in particular things, and see them live the life that i might have wanted to live, i feel sad. i am happy for the success of the those people. I know those people. they are my acquaintances. in a couple of instances i might even call them friends. i wish them all the best and am happy that they have achieved a measure of success in doing something they love. the fact that they have managed to do it when they are so young and have so many opportunities and they have no hesitation in going forward and grasping those opportunities makes them the best in what they do. but it makes me sad. that i didnt have those opportunities. that despite trying i couldnt do it. and that maybe now its too late.

i dont wish any of them ill. i applaud their success, even if it makes me sad. but eventually that sadness will transform into bitterness. and that bitterness will eat into me. and then i will wish them ill. and then i will be the jealous monster who will hate someone just because they achieved their dream.