married life is hard. a lot of my friends are married now. most have gotten married in the past couple of years. everyone has their ups and downs. all the ups are different. but somehow the downs are all the same. We all expected marriage to be an adjustment in life. we all expected to have problems. But did we really think it through and think about what it would really be like? did we really know what we were getting into? were we prepared? sure we thought about it. but did we actually talk about it to someone who has some insight into it. did someone who actually went through the experience sit us down and tell us what to expect? no. all of us go through similar experiences, but we are all stuck in our little bubbles thinking its just us. given that we all seem to experience the same problem to certain degree, its strange that no one warned us that this would happen.
why did our parents never sit us down and tell us... this is what marriage is really going to be like. i think that in our society parents and family is all so hell bent on getting us married that they think that if they have an honest discussion with us on what to really expect when we get married, that we'll probably run the other way. i think if we knew what to expect we would be better prepared and handle it all the better and be happier. for most big things in life one has to prove that you can actually do it before you are given a go at it. you need a drivers test and liscence to drive. you need to pass some sort of enterance exams / test to get into school college university. you need to give interviews to get a job. you get training to perform most jobs. why is it that the two most important things in life... marriage and having children.... no eligibility test required. no training period. nothing. we are thrown into it blind. figure it out on your own. and then if something goes wrong, everyone everyone's aunty jumps in to tell you what you are doing wrong.
another thing that really pissed me off about our society and their attitude towards marriage .... its all about the wedding and not about the marriage. it the wedding day and event that is such a huge deal and we focus entirely on that and forget that its just one day (or three or four). But what is one day compared to a lifetiem. We spend months and months of effort and thousands and lakhs of rupees on just one event. If we spent all that time and effort and money thinking about and preparing for real life for the ever after part, maybe we wouldnt have to face such a rude awakening. maybe if we used that time to educate and explain to the couple what marriage is really about, just maybe this generation would be better prepared to face and live the reality of marraige and survive it. and if we just use all those lakhs of rupees on investments for the couple to build their future instead of absurd numbers of glittery clothes that will be worn once and discarded, and for all the trappings of a glitzy weddign just to show off to the world who will forget the next day; you build a life for your children. and after all, isn't the wedding and marriage about your childrens life and future?
so you finally get through the months of preparations and all that planning and time and effort pays off. you are up on that stage. you get a gazillion and one pictures taken. you eat bad wedding food. yay. now you are married. you are treated like celebrities for a week or two by your family and relatives. and then real life comes crashing back in. what now. its a whole new world and you wake up one morning and have now idea where its going to go from here.
all the mundane things come crawling back. with a vengeance. because you dont jsut have to deal with yourself. there is another person on the other side of the bed. and thats where it starts.... your partner might hog the covers, they might snore, they might kick you in their sleep. you like to cuddle, they like their space. you like to sleep in pitch dark, they have nightlight. you like to fall asleep to the sound of the tv, they want complete silence. the list is endless. the upshot is.... sleeping is an adjustement.
another thing that no one ever clues you in about. sharing a bathroom. sure you may have shared a bathroom with your siblings. but that's different. you have grown up with your siblings and you are used to each others gross habits. its a whole different ballgame when you realise that this is not a movie, its not all kisses and cuddling.... its reality. and reality means caps off the toothpaste, pot lid up / down, wet floor, wet towels, the other person's hair.... whatever it is that ticks you off. there will be at least one teeny tiny little thing that will piss you off about the other person. and no matter how much you think you are reasonable adults who can overlook or compromise on these small insignificant things..... forget it. you will have a fight that will be centered on something in the bathroom.
so the mundane things are creeping in. and you think well here's to the honeymoon.... its going to be the most magical time of my life. but beware. you will fight during your honeymoon. whether its a week after you get married or months after. you will have a fight with your spouse. and that fight will be one of two things (or a combination of both - or if you are really super lucky, you'll have two seperate fights about both) one fight will be about about one person wanting to sit back and relax and just let things happen and the other person wanting to schedule and experience and explore. the other fight is one where one half of the couple is spending way too much time on the internet / phone and the other feels ignored. (lets not forget the pre-honeymoon fight where its all about where to go and how much money to spend and who is doing all the planning)
so the honeymoon is over. you are gettign used to the mundane things. time to now face the big issues. two of the biggest things in a marriage. 1. money. if you have it the problem is what you are spending it on. if you dont have it. well then the problem is what you are spending it on. 2. family. enough said. money and family are probably the two biggest issues in a new couples marriage. the first few years establishes the pattern that will probably exist for the rest of your life. the issues you have, the way you deal with these things, the relationships you have. you have to get it right in the first few years.
no one ever talks to couple about finances. for some reason finances is taboo topic. apparently all you need to know is how much the guy earns and thats it. everything else is implied. nothing is discussed or talked about and one fine day your realise that you not only married your spouse and gained a new home and clothes and furniture and what not, you also inherited their debt. joy. and of course one person will be the one who loves to spend and the other likes to save. ah the joys of shared finances.
another big thing in marriage. (well its huge if you are not married!). but once you are married the pressure is on. whether you want it or not. you gotta have children. i dont have any so i can't say from personal experience, but as i see from friends experiences once they come into your life they will take over. this can be an extremely positive thing or negative. depends on your perspective, whether you are ready for them and what you want from life. just be prepared.
i dont have any last words of wisdom. i'm learning as i go along. and i guess thats really the best you can do. learn. and try not to repeat the mistakes. and of course. don't let the downs get to you. enjoy the ups.
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