things i dont like about me.

i hate to admit that for someone who is so self reliant and independant (or at least i like to think that i am self reliant and independant - maybe im wrong!) i am extremely emotionally dependant on other people. i grew up with very low self esteem, and as a result, what people think of me and what people say to me and how they behave around me makes a huge difference in my life, particualrly family and friends, and even people i work with. i hate it when anyone has a negative opinion of me or what i do, which is why i strive so hard to please people around me. i dont like being so emotionally dependant. it makes me feel weak and not in control.

im really stubborn. once i really decide on something its hard to change my mind no matter what. sometimes this can be a good thing. and sometimes not. changing my mind about something im dead set on feels like giving up. i hate giving up. it feels like losing.

i am generally a forgiving person. i dont like holding a grudge. but once in a while someone crosses the line and it is impossible for me to give up on that grudge. that usually happens when ive been repeatedly hurt by that person. i had a best friend once who repeatedly disappointed me, and even though i tried over and over to mend the relationship, it never made a difference - and now i never want to speak to her again. i have another friend who i've had some extremely bad fights, and i might have ended things with him completely, except that he usually tries and makes amends - i know we will always have fights and i will be hurt by them, but i dont hold grudges against him because at least he tries. Some things i can never forgive. i know i should. but i cant.

i wish i knew what would make me happy in life. i have a good job... not my ideal job. but still its ok.... that should be enough. but its not. i would like to say that i know what kind of job, or even not working would make me happy. but i dont know. maybe im just that person who can never be satisfied.

i think im obsessive compulsive. i cant let go. there are things that i obsess aboout and i cant let go. the particular way something should be cleaned. the particular way something should be organised. why someone said what they said. i will obsess for days on end.

i dwell on the bad.

i dont have the guts to pursue a career in art. i tried it once. i failed miserably. im scared to try again. what if its not the thing im running towards because i really want it but really its something im running towards because im running away from everything else.