I've been feeling good about myself lately. I know, shocker right? I bitch and crib so much about so much that it feels odd that i feel good not only about myself but also about where i am in life and where i'm headed.

I've reached the point of no regrets again. Way back i used to be the person who didn't have regrets in life. Good or bad, i felt that things happened for a reason. I never regretted what i did or didn't do. and then i got to a place in life where i had so many regrets about things un-done and things that would never come to be. But now i am more at peace with myself and happy with where i am and the journey that go me here.

Sure things aren't perfect and there is lots more that i want to do and often its difficult. But I'm getting there. And I'm learning to enjoy the process. i'm coming to terms with what is, and what cant be and be happy with here and now.

A few things have happened in the recent past that have put a lot of things into perspective, and not only that, i have time to actually reflect on those things and see 'the bigger picture', so to say.

All this vague happy feely stuff and not a detail in there. But thats ok. I know what im talking about :)

food and coffee

I never thought i'd say this but im sick of fruit.

last night when i couldnt go to sleep i was thinking of baked cheescake. i dont even like cheesecake.

day 5 without coffee..... ready to frakkin eat someone's head off

coffeeeee my looooveee  i miss you *sob*

i think im slowly unravelling.

yesterday someone said i looked tired after my vacation and i wanted to sob. i said that ive given up coffee and they said are you, you know? NO i am not. far far from it.

its not just the lack of food and coffee and caffiene and coke and caffiene and food thats making me cranky. its the associated illnesses. its the pain in the chest that wont go away, its the inability to eat food despite the fact that i am frakkin starving.

oh well. onwards. i think i need a time out.

adventures in pakistan

The recent power outtage in America makes me happy. Americans may be offended by this statement, and think that I am an un-feeling person who does not care about their suffering, after all some of them have been without power for days! AND its hot. Well I would counter that with, there are people in my country who got through such outtages on a regular basis and have been going through this for years. I don't hear you poor suffering Americans give a second thought about them. And then there are those poor people who may never have had electricity connections in the first place and they probably suffer through more heat, cold, lack of shelter, lack of food, sanitation and a host of other issues than Americans can probably not even begin to imagine. So if a power outtage makes even 5 percent of them think about how some people live in the this world, well then I am happy.

on a lighter note, at least i know that the 'third world' will survive the apocalypse cos we know how to use manual can openers (and sometimes can even use a knife to open a can!!!) and can cook on a flames. All those movies depicted the daring do, can-do, inventive, survival attitude of Americans are all false. In reality, when the apocalypse comes, the Americans will be covering in their dark homes, waiting for someone to deliver food for them, will suffer heat stroke cos no one thought to open a window or sleep outdoors (or freeze cos no one thought about burning something for warmth), and probably starve for want of an electric can opener.

If i ever write a novel on the post-apocolyptic world, it wont be about a natural disaster wiping out half the world's population, rather it would be about running out of resources that generate power. The 'developed' world will be the first to collapse because they just wont be able to cope without their microwaves, and electric everythings, and wouldnt know how to deal with any extreme temperature because they just wont be acclimatised and wouldnt be able to cope. On the other hand, us 'third-worlders' will cope and survive because we are getting practiced at doing without all of this. I'm not saying that I would be one of the ones that would survive, cos lets face it, I'm pretty used to my air-conditioner (when there is power) and my electric fully-automated washing machine. but who knows, i just might survive cos at least i'll be able to open a can of food :D 

the dark side of the force

first of all thank you salman for providing the topic of today's rant. combining geekiness and ranting... what is this world coming to?

the more that i think about it the more apt the 'dark side of the force' is to where i am in life and how i got here. crap i cant believe im about to do this but here goes... while anakin skywalker wasnt the happiest or the most cheerful child, he was mostly good and positive. slowly over time, as things happened to him and those he loved, he was pulled more towards the negative. his real downfall in life came when he moved to the big corporation err.... city... err planet. yes planet. and it was his boss, err mentor... errr evil doer that forced him towards the dark side and made him rant on the internet, errr.... destroy his soul... err kill little kids.

anyways joking aside, its the people that lead us, the people you are supposed to look up to that form your worldview. when you are a little kid, your parents are your whole world and you learn to do as they do. as you grow up your world view is broadened and you have many teachers and your even learn to rebel a little, testing boundaries, testing your own world view. as a young adult you enter the work force and nothing you have encountered ever prepares you for the real world.

there is this bill gates speech circulating on the interwebs these days about the 10 or 13 things you should know about real life but no one tells you. thats how i feel. and this is how i imagien anakin must have felt. no one told you that you would have to go on a killing spree to impress your boss and get a promotion. all big corporations and evil lords are the same.... they expect you to kill your soul to get the job done. marshall erikson also knows how i feel. except that he doesnt give into the dark side... at least as far as ive watched the latest season. 

when you are greeted with the unfairness of everything this world has to offer, of course you are going to bend towards the dark side somewhat. and when faced day in and day out with the lousyness of those who are supposed to lead and inspire, makes you lose faith in a lot. and when everything else in your life is overshadowed by the empire, there is little room for much else.

 and here is what i have against anakin's transition to the dark side... it was much too much abrupt. come on, he suffered less than a year under a bad boss and he became the big ass corporate sell out and overthrew the manager? seriously? it takes years of slogging away at a meaningless dead end job, or at least some really big bad things happen. the perceived future threat to his beloved was not enough of a big bad in my opinion. also this brings to question the classic future telling dilemma - by foreseeing something and trying to prevent it, you actually make it come to pass. 

losing your faith in humanity is not something that happens just like that. sure you get major burns and shit, but seriously ever hear of reconstructive surgery? and just cos your boss is an ass doesnt mean that for the rest of your life you are doomed to wear the corporate uniform for life. geez ever heard of a work life balance? 

i guess what i'm saying is that when your brother tells you that he is hearing a lot of the dark side of the force from you, its time to re-evaluate and take a step away from the corporate big bad.

on following traffic rules and other such 'meaningless' things

We Pakistani's generally seem to think that we are smarter than everyone, that anyone in authority is out to make a buck, and all law-makers are complete idiots. Forget the big gun politicians and those guys. I'm talking about the run of the mill government employee, and rule maker/ implementer. And even if they are all crooks and out to get you for everything, think for a minute what would happen if everyone started with that assumption and went ahead and did as they pleased. That is called anarchy. 

We should all see the sense in following the law. We are a civilized people. Or so I would like to think. We are also an educated people (or at least some of us are... I'm assuming if you can read this, at the very least you are literate). And even if someone is not formally educated, they are intelligent human beings. There is a reason that there are laws. You know all that you hear in the news about the 'law and order' situation.... its because people violate the law. 

But of course you and I are law abiding citizens, we would never contribute to anarchy. Its those thugs in far-away places (Karachi for example :o ) that cause all the problems... or those damn lawyers! You and I are paragons of virtue. Law abiding citizens to the core. We respect authority and understand that intelligent people have created these laws and we follow them in letter and spirit. We don't break traffic signals, or go above the speed limit, we pay taxes. 

Traffic rules? What am I talking about? Traffic rules are not 'rules', they are mere guidelines, suggestions really. No need to follow them. WE know better. Of course we do. Speed limit... for aunties and old people. Traffic signals... for the boring and un-adventurous. Paying the toll at the toll-both - for fools and simpletons. All these traffic rule have been made by idiots. I'm sure no one actually thought about them. Probably designed by a 5 year old. Same goes for taxes, and so many other laws and things that we may take for granted or over-look or consider meaningless. Even if they are imperfect, and leave much to be desired and could do with serious improvement, they should be followed. They should be followed, because every time we ignore or blatantly dis-regard a law for our own perceived benefit, we are contributing to the anarchy that is becoming our country. 

But everyone does it so it doesn't matter if I do it. Right? Somebody else should fix the problem, not me. Right? Its not my fault, I can't do anything about it. Right? Wrong, wrong, wrong. Nothing in life is in my control except for me and myself. So I'm not telling you what to do. I'm telling myself. Follow the traffic rules, because even if no-one else does, at least if I do, maybe I can save a life or at the very least save my car from being dented and pay to fix it. Pay taxes, even if no-one else does and even if it has no personal benefit whatsoever, at least i'm not part of the problem. Don't talk about someone else fixing the problem. At the very least don't contribute to the problem.

Almost every other day, I see a car crash or shattered glass on the road. I pray that it will never be me or someone I love. This is my city and i want to do what i can to keep it safe. this is my country. and i don't do enough. So from today I'm going to go the speed limit and stop at all the red signals. And find a traffic rule book, anyone know where i can get a copy?

the hate cup overfloweth

so there is this concept about the 'love tank' that each person has inside them. if it is empty, the person's emotional need for love is being unmet and if it is full then they are being loved etc. well i have a concept of the hate cup. if its empty then your life is free of resentments, annoyances and idiot people crapping all over your life. well my hate cup is overflowing.... every little thing sets me off. i need a serious time out otherwise i am going to explode.  my patience level is at zero and my hate cup is way way overflowing. 

dreams and letting go

Growing up i had many dreams and hope and thoughts about what my future would be like, what i would want to do when i grew up. Things change, dreams change, hopes change. The two dreams that have stuck with me constantly as i grew up and move through adolescence and as an adult. One was to have a cat. The other was to be an artist.

I dont even remember when i started wanting a cat. I wanted a pet, my first preference was a dog, but that was an impossibility given my parents dislike of dogs, so i switched to wanting a cat. and much arguments and tantrums later we got a cat. and so the story continued. and today i have my cats and my dog.

Wanting a cat was a dream that i shared far and wide, throughout my life. but being an artist was something that i kept close to my heart. maybe it was easier to want a cat than to want to be an artist. getting a cat was something external to me. being an artist was something that had to come from within. and thats scary. but as a child nothing is scary. its later when your dreams are trampled on that its becomes scary. you lose that fearlessness and as time goes by, the dream slips away. i held onto it for as long as i could but it was so insubstantial, i couldnt hold on to it. it slipped away. and then i let it go.

as i child i anounced to the world (or at least the people standing around me) that i was going to be a world famous artist. i remember that moment so clearly. I was standing on the stairs of my school. i must have been 14. i even remember the friend who was standing next to me. we were talking about our favourite boy band., i had made a portrait of them. and i declared that one day i would be a world famous artist. there was such joy and passion and true belief in that statement. I held on to that for a long time, despite everything in the way.

Eventually it became a more realistic dream, and then just a hope. a fading one at that. a desperate hope that one clings to because thats all there is left of the once so powerful and life compelling dream. and then it just hurt to hold on to it. so i let it go. i actively choose not to pursue it anymore. part of it was just out of spite, part of it was hurt and resentment and mostly it was because it hurt too much to hold on.

I let it go. I thought i let it go. if i really had, why does it hurt when i write it. why do i in the corner of my mind still hold on to that tiny little struggling hope. why do i feel bitter and resentful towards those who accomplish their dreams. why do i feel bitter and resentful when my ideas are taken and developed into real art. because i feel that it should have been me.

Everyone has a dream in life. Maybe even two. These dreams, hopes and desires change over time. And sometimes they don't. I think the most successful and happy people in life are those that have had a dream since they were children and they actually grow up to fulfil it. How many little kids say that they want to grow up to be a pilot, or an astronaut or the president of the country (not this country obviously). others dream about being singers or actors or some other non-conformist, artistic path in life. how many of those kids actually grow up to do any of that. not many. we end up doing something that ends in working in a big corporation and just slog through our every day lives. not that i have had much experience with kids but i dont think many say that they want to grow up and work in a cell phone company or some such thing. where is the excitement and passion in that.

Letting go. Grieve the loss and move on. let go of the resentment and bitterness and move on. Remember the good times and let go of the hurt. It's easier to bury it all away, but its hard to let go. Its hard to let go when you know the love and passion are there. Its just to many obstacles in the way. And i guess its harder to let go of a life long dream when you are letting go of so much else, and there is nothing really to fill that void.

But just as hard as it is to let go, I can't even imagine believing again. I peek into the corner of my mind where that little hope hides and it shudders with the thought of bringing it out to the light. There is just to much to overcome to do anything about it. So gotta let it go. Let go and breathe. Accept. Move on.

Monday morning blues

I know i bitch about my job a lot - but tell me if its not justified after you read the folllowing. Its the evaluation cycle again. Management sends an email regarding the official supervisors and managers for each position in our unit. My position is not a part of the list. I've been working here more than three years. HR circulates this email every year around this time. Every year i point out that i have no official supervisor and manager. Every year an ad hoc person becomes my supervisor / manager at the last minute, just to have something on record, someone who generally has no idea what i do. Great motivation. Thanks. I really look forward to doing my best for a position that is not recognized by management, without a real supervisor, doing tasks based on which i may or may not be evaluated at end year based on which my pay raise will be determined. Yay. Great way to start a monday morning.